Monday, February 23, 2015

Birdman-my take

I had heard lots about the movie Birdman. It was up for an OSCAR for best picture, best actor, best supporting actress and best supporting actor plus some I assumed it was definitely something I had to make time to watch.

I am not a stupid person but I had trouble getting the jist of the movie. What I took from it,  it was based on this guys Mid-Life crisis and his attempt to make a come back. I didn't quite get what his moving of objects or magical powers was about. But I felt like he had an emotional personality disorder...with his BIRDMAN inter-dialogue through out the movie....I was able to make a connection with the idea of losing your own identity as your grow older.
I have heard a lot about mid-life crisis' and that most men have them around 50 years of age and do crazy things like buy a red Porsche or have an affair with a younger women to rekindle who they used to be.
It's a scary thought and wonder if women go thru it too or are we just to fixated on dealing with menopause that we don't have time for a mid-life crisis. I am not to the point of menopause or a mid-life crisis but I have had moments of "where did the old me go?"
Similar to what Riggan went through in the movie. Yet not so in depth. But I often look in the mirror and look at my face or my body and wonder WTF? where did my cute little thin sassy self go. I have had 3 babies since meeting my husband 16 years ago and well I am at least 50 pounds over weight if not more (if I'm being truthful) my clothing style - crud I have no style. I like jeans and t-shirts and chucks but the shirts fit too tight, loose fitting, stylish clothing is harder to come by...and lately when I smile I have these bags under my eyes...ackkk this isn't a self hate post but well I don't look the same as I did 16 years ago - but who does?
I feel lucky to know that I have a truly devoted husband - I mean he makes me feel pretty - he tells me I am fine just as I am...which doesn't help the weight loss journey, I mean why change if he is fine with me - but of course the next thought is - there is always someone younger and cuter, or more fit and with bigger boobs then me, sorta of like Mike from the movie. He was younger and more talented but knew it which really made him an asshole...kind of what I think a younger chick would be like around my husband. You know needing and expecting more because they look cute - little do they know that my husband is so not into PDA or expensive gifts...they would be sadly disappointed with him. At least I hope so!!!
So I get the whole idea of a do-over , or desire for one, but what does that say about my happiness? Riggan defintely seemed unhappy. He felt so ir-relevant as though his career was what defined him.
What does that say about me...Does that mean that I am really dissatisfied with myself? Does it mean that I want to go back and be the person I was? I think it is NOT all inclusive.
I definitely don't want to go back, because I was reckless back then. I slept around for a while because I could. I flaunted myself around with such sass that it was appealing to men, but I wish I had the same body I did back then but not the same attitude. I do wish I had the same confidence or cockiness I did back then for certain.
I love my husband deeply, he balances me out. He makes me feel loved, beautiful and sexy. Do I wish the wrinkles would stop showing up - hell yes both the ones on my face and the ones on my ass. Do I wish I was every mans desire, NO - that only leads to trouble...
I think we as a society will always want to look like the people in the magazines, we will always want more "things" more money, more cars, more clothes..etc. We will diet until the cows come home and reach our goal weight and still see flaws. We will buy all the creams and serums to diminish the wrinkles. Dye our hair and wax our parts to appeal to our "husbands" but also be able to fit into the the stereotype or what is  "IN" now!!!
I know I am not alone in this thinking. I think we try and tell ourselves we don't care but truthfully we'll continue to pay for their advice and services.
I think there should be a movement of big, fat, beautiful, 40 something MARRIED women, who are happy, accomplished and sexy. Not to change society but to let others know that SKINNY & RICH are NOT the only way to happiness or to be part of the "IN" crowd.
That wouldn't be so bad, would it?
Maybe I'll make that a mission of mine? We'll see.
Anyway, that's my take on the BIRDMAN movie. Do you see how easy it was for me to be confused on the whole thing. If you know what the movie was really about - please enlighten me!
Live Happy

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Marriage - what I dreamed of

I think that when we are young we learn what makes a good marriage from either seeing our parents relationship and or other family members around us. Personally, I saw the relationship my folks had and used them as an example for both what I wanted to be and what I absolutely would not do or tolerate from my partner.

 I knew I wanted to have a nice home and I knew I did NOT want to work after I had kids (although) I didn't know it once I was married, I actually had to be talked into staying home by my mom when the time came for me to care for my baby girl...crazy I know...

I knew that I wanted to be married forever (my folks were married for 35+years) I was looking forward to growing old with the same man and I knew I wanted to laugh and have fun with my man  forever
I knew more then anything that I didn't want to get bored, that I didn't want to feel like I had to stay with him, I didn't ever want to see another man and lust after him, I never wanted our sex to get tired,
More then anything, above all, I wanted to LOVE my best friend FOREVER.
Being totally honest, I am on my second marriage. I mean now a days who isn't? But In all fairness, I knew all the things above but I was so young and I was looking for a way out of my folks  house and I had a baby and figured no one else would want me...STUPID I know that now.
So then when I went and fooled around for a few years - I always kept my eyes and heart open waiting for the right person, who I knew I would live happily ever after took a few years but I found him and my guard stayed up for awhile. He had to work hard but I am so glad he perservered!!!! I am proud to say that 16 years later we are super happy, we don't fight about IMPORTANT things, not over money or jealousy, only things that irritate me & him, we laugh everyday, cuddle and kiss and say I love you daily. Our sex even, now in our 40+ is hotter then ever.
This marriage is exactly what I dreamed of way back then and feel very lucky to know what it is I wanted and what I wouldn't settle for.
I hope you have the marriage you have always wanted and dreamed of.
Happy Tuesday


Friday, January 23, 2015

Covering IT all up

As the title to my blog states I am over forty and married. So I have been around for awhile and I have had 4 kids so I know that over time my face and body have went from cute and sassy to older and fat frumpy bigger then I used to be. I AM still sassy but bigger then I used to be or ever dreamed of being.

o.k. let me premise this post by saying that this all came up from a trip to Ross yesterday.
let me premise that by saying I spend most of my time at home. I literally leave during the week just to pick up the kids from school.

So yesterday to fix a problem (which I will explain later) I decided to go to Ross to pick up some stuff for my daughters room. I put my hair up and left the house wearing my sweats. I know mistake number 1!!!!!! I did have eye make-up on, and my hair up in a bun and gosh damn I was comfy, mistake #2....

O.k. Sweats at home is cool (says me) and they aren't oversized sweats - they were fitted and didn't sag (mistake #3) so I go shopping and gather my stuff and as I am walking to the front registers I see myself in a long bodied mirror...oh geezus....I mean c'mon. Comfort is definitely NOT in style. First of all, the fit on the sweats was snug and really hugged my curves in all the wrong places. My long sleeved shirt was laying nicely above my bum and the shirt was snug in the front so it showed off my lumps (I refuse to call them rolls-because there is nothing tasty about them)

I got hot and sweaty as I made my way to the front just embarrassed really - then I realized something-At my age sometimes you need some cover up.

Like sometimes you need to put on face make-up and concealer to cover up the dark circles and bags (tip#1) if you have lumps its a good idea to own some sort of spanx item. I have a bunch but don't wear them inside the house but again when you leave the house for ME, I think I am going to start wearing them just to keep my lumps in check. I would like to look put together so on that off chance that I see someone from and old life I wont feel out of whack. I just want to look presentable.

 It doesn't mean you are conforming to society's view on beauty and going against "Natural Beauty" not at all. It just means that you take pride in your appearance. Besides I feel prettier and have a bit more confidence when I look good and not just "COMFY"

Anyway this is just my perspective. But at 44 I feel I feel better when I look better. For me that means covering it up - my face and my mid section.
Don't they say that the first step in recovery is acknowledging that you have a problem.
My name is Tina and I have to wear make-up and wear spanx and I am o.k. with that.
Here's to looking good.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Rumor has It.

Have you seen that movie with Jennifer Aniston and Kevin Kostner? Its really good and got me thinking about something. The story line is that a 30 something (Jennifer) is engaged to Mark Ruffalo and she is a bit less then content with her job, her, life and her relationship, as are most 30 something single women. I mean really its normal. I think we are still trying to figure out what we want to be when we grow up.

In my case, since I was 21 and single when I had my son, I kind of did things backwards. I never finished college, however, I did graduate with my certificate as a paralegal a year after my son was born, so I had my future in site. Even though, I did not marry my sons father, because that would have been a huge mistake, I did know I would marry. Funny thing, I was determined NOT to be with someone who had a child of their own.

Ok, back to the 30 something frame of mind. So I met the man of my dreams when I was 28, he was divorced with a small kid...I know I know - that wasn't my plan, anyhow, We got married when I was 29 and 1 year later I got pregnant, things were the rockiest between us the first 2 years. I think being pregnant didn't help my way of thinking. 22 months after I had my first child I had my second - 2002 I was 32 years old. Things were really good, life was progressing and I was working part time making my own money, which was going to pay for day-care for my girls, I hadn't changed to my married name and I still had my own checking account. I felt independent to a degree. In 2004 my daughter started kindergarten near our home, which was 45 minute away from  my job. I didn't feel comfortable going to work while she was way over here...then it started, my night in shining armor, my husband asked me to stay home and stop working. My mom, chimed in saying I was so lucky, most husbands aren't so willing to take on the full load alone and this was being handed to me. I would be stupid not to take it. It's every mothers dream, to stay home and care for their kids, isn't it?

It took me a few months to finally decide to stay home. In that sme time period, we opened a joint bank account and I changed my name to my married name. I kept worrying telling my husband that he better not leave me now, since I would no longer have my own income, I was no longer me. I literally turned my self over to my husband. Scary. I did it stayed home and went a little nuts, figuratively speaking, tried to find my place, a rhythm to my days. At first we lived paycheck to paycheck. It was hard and I had no limits. I felt I deserved what I bought for being forced to stay home. It was my payment for being a care giver. I was restless and wanted to move far away from this house we had chosen so long ago.

Then in 2007, I was 37 and found out I was pregnant again. I mean are you kidding me. My mom said it was gift. She said God doesn't give you more then you can handle. I thought it was way more then I could handle. I know it was more then I expected and I really thought I would lose my mind. My pregnancy was easy, having him was a real joy, waking up with him was a joy! I really loved being a mom this time, those first months were wonderful.

Then in 2009,  I was 39, I felt un easy. I was so restless, I thought I would explode. I felt unsatisfied. I felt there was more for me to do. I got tired of JUST being a MOM. I was searching for something to fulfill my life. Family wasn't cutting it. Is that horrible to say? Well it's what I felt.

O.k so I am sure you are lost and confused at what the heck the movie has to do with any of this. Well, in the movie Jennifer, was just figuring out the movie "THE GRADUATE" was about her mom and grandmother and she went out in search of the man that they had both slept with, which was Kevin Kostner. She thought that her mom had the affair with him then went back to her dad because of PITY. She ends up sleeping with him too and loses her fiancĂ© (mark ruffalo) in the process. She was feeling a disconnect with her family, her life, her job and her boyfriend. She eventually talks to her dad and comes to realize that he knew all along. He explained that he never asked for details but what her mother told her dad in the way of a reason  I felt was very profound...She said that being with the other guy was a real adventure but that she knew in her heart that she could create a life with the dad (the man she chose).

That is what I was feeling. I felt like there was something I was missing. Like life was greener on the other side (but I didn't know what the other side was) I felt unhappy with the idea that I was always going to be JUST a mom.

I broke down one day at a pottery class I was taking and when I did, my friends responded matter of factly. They talked to me like this WAS NOT the end of the world. They made me realize that being a mom was the most important thing I could be, even if its all I did for the rest of my life. They made me feel special. They said they would be lost if I moved. They said I was so lucky to have the most amazing husband. That I needed to see what I had and appreciate it for what was.

It was weird to be feeling this way at 39 - I mean shit my life is almost at its 1/2 way mark. What the hell is my problem? I had a revelation that night. I had been searching for the adventure! I had been looking for more. I was embarrassed for not being happy with what I had. I realized that I was really good at being a mom and took really good care of my husband and we had a really great life and we did a lot of stuff as a family. I decided then that I would live the adventure that is MY life and stop searching for something that I am only imagining.

I am happier now. Sure I get exasperated sometimes being a mom of a teenager, and girls that argue over everything and a little boy who has detachment issues (clings to me for dear life everyday) but my saving grace is my husband. He makes me laugh everyday, he helps me with cooking and cleaning and bathing and listens to me ramble about anything and everything, he hugs me for no reason other then to calm me down. We don't fight over money, or jealousy, we trust each other and he gives me hope for my dreams of one day moving out of state.

So today January 11, 2015 - I am happy. I feel comfortable and safe in my role. I make my adventures I don't go looking for them anymore. I am exactly who I am supposed to be.

thanks for hanging around to this point. I wish you sanity and comfort in where you are in your life, today!

Wednesday, January 7, 2015


I usually have high expectations about anything I do, like hanging out with friends, vacations, date nights, shopping, being with family, you get the jist!!!
I realize that I set myself up for doom with that type of mind set going in...but its in my nature!
I could delve deeper into my own life, you know my life NOW, my husband and my kids, etc...but today I wanted to talk about something I heard on the radio January 3rd.
I heard the DJ's discussing what they were looking forward to or expecting from the New Year. A couple said they already new it was going to be better then last year. One person said they didn't know what to expect, and another 2 believed that it couldn't possibly be as bad as last year and weren't sure how deep into 2015 they would get before they could say whether or ot it was better then last year.
I sat in my car dumb founded. First of all thousands of people listen to the radio in the morning, why not take the approach that this year was gonna be THEE year. Why make such a beginning be sort of a let down. I mean really its
a New Year, New Beginning, another chance to make things better then before.
I choose to think of it as MY

I mean really. So last year was slow, things didn't go as planned, I didn't lose 50 pounds, I didn't win the publisher's clearing house, we lived paycheck to paycheck, I made some stupid mistakes, but I think 2014 was WAY better then 2013. That I know for sure. And 2014 wasn't bad it just didn't go as I had written out but I mean really does it ever. I loved 2014, we as a family went on 4 vacations, we ate out a lot (hence the not losing weight)  we I shopped a lot and bought things that I didn't need (hence living paycheck to paycheck) see I recognize what I did wrong last year so I am already pre-set to succeed by not making the same mistakes.
New Beginnings
This year is going to be amazing. I feel it. I have the mind set that I will put myself out there and accomplish what I set out to do. I didn't set myself to fail by making a list of resolutions rather I made a list of goals/plans
I don't have lose weight or join a gym what I DO have is exercise & eat better
I don't have plans to save 100.00 a month but I DO have buy less and only what we need,
We will only go on one big vacation this year not 4 (duh?)
I will try and get into 2 new craft shows this year (put myself out there) and I will create art that I LOVE not what I think others will LOVE...I will be a better me...a better mom and a better wife
See all attainable! It's my year! I will succeed.

I wish you the best year ever and hope you get your goals accomplished too.
I will post my successes and failures and keep trying.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Bad words

This is truly something I try to teach my girls. However, I have neither style nor grace so its probably a mute point. I am probably a bad example when teaching lady like behaviors. But I do and try and remind them to not spit, curse, or trash talk people because it makes them look un lady-like, which is unattractive. I tell them when they are 20 years old they can cuss but never around their parents, I tell them there is never a reason for a girl to spit and trash talking is just mean and they should never be "That Mean Girl" its just plain ugly and mean...
For the most part they get it and agree.
But recently my 14 year old daughter used the F-word on the phone with my husband in exsaspiration over a school situation - his response was to say "Hey watch your mouth." Hmm not sure it was enough - then today she opens up her McDonalds bag for lunch and notices they gave her BBQ sauce rather then the Sweet & sour sauce she requested and responds, "What the HELL." this time I was right next to her and slapped her shoulder and told her to "Watch her mouth" then said, "next time its across the face, you have been warned." She apologized and said she was just angry and I proceeded to tell her to wait until she is older to cuss and never in front of me and dad...
Shit, don't they get that its so unattractive when girls cuss?
Don't know where she gets it? {wink wink} I take full responsibility!!!
I am a work in progress! guess its true when they say
Do as I say NOT as I do!!!!

Friday, January 2, 2015


Hi and welcome to my NEW blog. I have been blogging for around 6 years under various names, blog names that is and I guess you can call it my personal journey/attempt at figuring out who I am and figure out what I am all about and what I want to write about. I am a true crafter at heart so I will keep my other blog alive and post fun arts & crafts projects as frequently as possible but I am first and foremost a mom, wife and most definitely over 40.

My idea for this blog came from (true story) sitting on the toilet doing my thing & I was flipping through the November issue of Cosmo and was lustfully looking at the all the cool clothes, checking out all the beautiful make-up perfectly placed on those super skinny models. I skimmed over some of the articles like the one about "Having the best Orgasm, everytime." When I read the title and a few of the paragraphs, I closed the magazine and thought to myself, "What the hell?" Who writes this stuff? Or am I completely disillusioned in thinking that Cosmopolitan is for "MARRIED WOMEN OVER FORTY?"

Surely, the writers target young women in the 20's and early 30's or maybe early 40 womens who are divorced or never been married. O.k. that makes more sense because then it was just a choice error on my part. I mean really, Tina, what were you thinking? First of all I am not skinny, I am not a pasty white color, I don't have blonde. straight or thin hair. I can't afford any of the designer clothes in the magazine and besides where would I wear them. I am afterall, a stay-at-home mom for peets sake. No but really, the PTA at our school barely wears more than sweats, let alone carrying a Michael Kors bag. Don't get me wrong, I go out just no where really fancy. Does that make me a wickedly boring, safe person?

After that cringe worthy revelation - that I am too old and NOT single enough to indulge in reading Cosmo, I decided to look around for a magazines that target my age group. There are only a few, unless you consider Domino, Bon Appetite and Sunset magazine categories in my age group? The closest thing to fashion magazines that I found were catalogs for clothes such as.......

That's when I decided that I wanted to write a blog that talks about issues that most 40 something, married moms go through, are going through, and perhaps we can help each other. The best advice comes from people who have gone through the same thing and can share their views and outcomes with others.

That's my intention anyway. I can hope and keep my fingers crossed that things go as planned.

Now let me tell you about myself. I am over 40 and married. I have 4 beautiful kids and am married to my best friend. I consider myself to be funny and loyal but too straight forward. I cuss a lot but will try to hold my tongue here. I am very opinionated and vey forceful but considerate. I can dish it out pretty good but have a thick skin so I can take it too.

I hope you find a place to open up and share - I love feedback but only good please. I mean we don't want to cut anyone up here, me or you.

thanks for reading now lets have some fun.